“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.”

– 1 Peter 3:8 –

This quote from poet Ross Gay is an invitation into friendship like no other:

“I just want us to be friends now, forever. Take this bowl of blackberries from the garden. The sun has made them warm. I picked them just for you. I promise I will try to stay on my side of the couch.”

The way the words lay one after the other is so tender and inviting. They make me feel warm inside. They make me feel known.

I think that is really what it is to be a good friend to someone. To be a good friend is to be welcoming, providing a safe place to be fully known. Today, having already laid the foundation of what a valuable friendship is, I want to explore how we can go about being a good friend for other people.

The first step in a friendship is usually some kind of spoken word. It typically starts as small talk. We exchange opinions on the weather, sports, and the time of day. I’ve heard some bold claims about these little interactions. Some people just “don’t do” small talk, because they feel that it’s useless.

I was recently challenged to think of small talk not as something to endure, but rather as something to be embraced.

There are so many things we can learn by just listening to people rather than always thinking about what we’re going to say next. Building bonds over the little things people are passionate about can lead to deep connections later on.

And what comes after the initial connections are made? Well, that’s the good stuff.

Once you have an authentic connection with someone, there should be an understanding that you have a genuine interest in them. As you invest more into them, it is important to always be praying for them as well. Prayer for someone will turn your attention on them rather than yourself, bringing to your mind things that you notice and value in them so that you can know them deeper and more fully.

All of this lays the groundwork for real encouragement, support, and comfort.

A time when I was shown the power of what a good friend can do was when I was going through a hard time and talked to my sister Mollie. She patiently listened as I poured out my heart to her. The raw emotions must have been a lot to handle, not to mention out of proportion for the situation, and she didn’t once feel the need to interject.

After all of my feelings were out and thickening the air between us, I took a huge breath to calm myself. “That sucks,” Mollie said quietly. And that was all that needed to be said. Instantly, I was relieved.

I don’t think a friend has to say much when it gets to the breaking point. When you have created a genuine bond and have been praying for your friend, it doesn’t take much to know exactly what they need when the time comes. Sometimes it’s just a word, or a hug, or maybe nothing at all. The beauty of being a friend to someone is that you can know what they need in any situation, simply because you know and love them.

The Bible talks about the Body of Christ as “being one in spirit and of one mind” (Philippians 2:2). This unity is something that is achieved through a deep and purposeful understanding of one another, with love as the root of our actions.

Now, I know this all sounds great, but don’t get me wrong. Truly being a good friend to someone means that sometimes what you want will have to be pushed to the side.

A pioneer in my journey of learning how to love, Bob Goff, says:

“Selfless love is always costly; fear can’t afford it, pride doesn’t understand it and friends never forget it.”

In order to love someone well, we must put aside our own comforts, fighting back against fear in every circumstance. We also must be humble, focusing on the other person rather than ourselves. Both of these things are easier said than done, and they are the first things you’ll find pushing back against your efforts.

Real love for a friend has no time to question, “What if they don’t like me?” or, “What will they think of me?” Rather, it puts aside all that we are in order to lift up another person.

And in doing these things, lavishly, extravagantly, graciously, we bless someone else. We love someone else. Our reckless abandon for another soul can be a small reflection of God’s recklessly lavish love for us, in which He died Himself in a display of overwhelming love.

I challenge you today to begin to silence those little voices of doubt, and start looking at ways to love others well. How can you welcome someone into your life? What can you learn about someone simply by listening and asking questions? How can you be praying and focusing on the people who are in your life right now? How can you love with a reckless passion for someone else?

Go ahead. What is there to be afraid of?