“I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong—that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.”
Romans 1:11-12
“You’re like sunshine,” I said, a hint of wonder in my voice.
“And you’re like a cup of hot tea!” my friend replied with a bright smile.
A grin spread across my face as I rested in the beauty of being known so well.
It’s a wonder at how some people can be so different – pursuing different interests, working different jobs, even living in different energies – and still connect somehow. Some of my best friends are nothing like me at all, and it’s a wonder our paths even crossed.
There’s something about a friend that can’t be spoken. It is a deep connection that overtakes you without warning. It’s the knowing smile from across the room; it’s the hug you didn’t know you needed; it’s the comforting smell you can’t quite describe.
I’m not surprised there are so many synonyms in our language for the word “friend.” Comrade, companion, confidante, partner, buddy, or even sister, brother, classmate, and lover. A friend is both versatile and extremely specific. When I ask myself what “friend” means, I am left not with a compilation of words, but rather with a list of names and memories.
But what makes someone a good friend? What is there to value in a friendship?
Paul’s letter to the Romans opens with sentiments of a friend longing to see those he loves:
First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is being reported all over the world. God, whom I serve in my spirit in preaching the gospel of His Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you in my prayers at all times; and I pray that now at last by God’s will the way may be opened for me to come to you.
I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong—that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith. I do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters, that I planned many times to come to you (but have been prevented from doing so until now) in order that I might have a harvest among you, just as I have had among the other Gentiles.
Romans 1:8-13
These words bring to light a few things that a valuable friend does. First of all, Paul is very thankful for the Romans. He says he remembers them in his prayers “at all times.” Then, he longs to be with these people in order to encourage and be encouraged by them in their faith.
This kind of encouragement is also shown in Proverbs 27:17, which reads, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Evidently, encouragement and strengthening one another are very important parts of friendships.
When I’m met with the question, “What do you value in a friend?” I think many times it coincides with these verses. I can have a connection with a lot of people. Sometimes you just click, and that’s all there is to be said.
But I’ve noticed some people are only in my life for a season, and they affect each day in their own way until it is time to move on to another chapter.
The friends that have been with me through so much life – the ones I can trust with anything – are the people who have a deep and divine connection with my soul. This connection doesn’t happen by simply liking the same things or even spending time together. It is made through a kind of encouragement and strengthening that can only be found in sharing faith together.
Now don’t get me wrong – this doesn’t mean I agree with them on every piece of theology. In fact, sometimes the best kinds of friends are the ones who challenge me in my faith with new ideas and insights.
I like to think of C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien’s friendship during their time at Oxford as a good representation of what it means to be a valuable friend. Both scholars had a deep connection in their love of myth and language, and this was deepened by their shared faith.
Interestingly enough, though these men spent lots of time talking about their stories and new discoveries in theology, neither was extremely pleased with the other’s work. These two men, so deeply rooted together as close friends, even debated things they had in common.
And even with their differing views, both men went on to do exactly what Lewis had told Tolkien one day. “If they won’t write the kinds of books we want to read, we shall have to write them ourselves.”
Thus, I don’t believe a friend is someone we should agree with all the time. A good friend is challenging, and will spur you on to do incredible things.
But I also know there must be a deep connection rooted in faith if we want the relationship to last and be beneficial to both sides. In my own experience, a friend isn’t simply someone who you have fun with or connect with in opinion or interests, but rather someone who wants to see you grow in your faith.
A good friend will pray for you, encourage you, listen to you, and even debate with you to stretch your mind to new understandings. And I hope you will do the same for them.